007: Butts

A note for all you knuckle-dragging, perverted little thunder-cunts. Stop staring at my butt.

Yes, I have a nice ass. Yes, my jean shorts comfortably hug it in a noticeable way. And yes, when I throw a Poké Ball my rear end thrusts out ever so slightly as if to suggest an invitation to a very sexy and exclusive butt party.

But you are not ready for this jelly. This baby’s back is not for you. I wear shorts because I like shorts. And it’s hot. TEMPERATURE HOT. I throw my pokémon out like an enthusiastic stripper because it achieves the greatest velocity for the minimum effort - and it looks badass. And most importantly, I’m like 14 years old. Probably. Maybe. Do you know what they do to paedophiles in Unova? No, me neither. I bet they put them in some sort of prison made of robot pokémon. Anyway, something bad. With robotic penises. Yeah.

Striaton City Gym is weird.

The whole thing looks like one of those terrible family restaurants. And all the trainers are waiters. Everyone keeps coming at me like they’re serving the pokémon as side dishes. Do you want me to EAT your fucking pokémon? Do you? Ugh.

It has three gym leaders, but you only fight one of them. They decide who you have to fight based on the best way to dick you around. Because I chose a Tepig I  got to battle some dandy assbite called Cress, who has hair made of disgusting blue worms.

Cress went on about being super awesome at water pokémon like a wanker, then sent out… a Lillipup. I set it on fire.

Then he sent out a Panpour. Panpour look like blue monkeys with giant puckered sphincters sprouting from their heads. And they are water types, so Pigface was shit out of luck. I sent in Broccoli like a champ, and he promptly fainted. Devil was no help at all, and Citizen K barked.

So Pigface was recalled, and used his “being a pig who don’t take no shit” attack. Victory! But it was a close one. Brute force told strategy to go and sit in the fucking corner. Pigface also learned Flame Charge, which I hope involves sending an army of fire towards the enemy, while playing a bugle.

And I got the Trio Badge, which makes a great impromptu shiv if I ever get in a bar fight.