010: Children of the Corn

I wish the nurses at the Pokémon Centres would stop saying they hope to see me again soon. Oh, I see all your pets are half-dead and screaming in agony, I hope this happens again!

Fennel gave me a C-Gear for getting her drugs. No idea what it does. It definitely isn’t a bullshit detector, otherwise it would be going off like a fucker right now.

There’s a daycare for pokémon along Route 3. I left Citizen K there because I hate him. I hope they feed him to a larger pokémon. I’ve decided to make Mr Steven my second official team member anyway, along with Pigface. Any opponent who isn’t at least a little scared by a floating pink anteater isn’t human. Put everyone but those two into the PC boxes.

People are amazed about stupid shit like how friendly pokémon are and that they can learn tricks, but not impressed at all by the fact that we can DIGITISE LIVING ANIMALS. The fuck.

Right next to the Daycare there’s a human daycare, which creeps me out for some reason. Maybe it’s because I got there are 1:00am and there were children running around inside with dead eyes. The parents must have abandoned them to go clubbing.

Poor little, creepy, neglected children dancing around at night in a roadside minding facility, participating in legal cock fights.

007: Butts

A note for all you knuckle-dragging, perverted little thunder-cunts. Stop staring at my butt.

Yes, I have a nice ass. Yes, my jean shorts comfortably hug it in a noticeable way. And yes, when I throw a Poké Ball my rear end thrusts out ever so slightly as if to suggest an invitation to a very sexy and exclusive butt party.

But you are not ready for this jelly. This baby’s back is not for you. I wear shorts because I like shorts. And it’s hot. TEMPERATURE HOT. I throw my pokémon out like an enthusiastic stripper because it achieves the greatest velocity for the minimum effort - and it looks badass. And most importantly, I’m like 14 years old. Probably. Maybe. Do you know what they do to paedophiles in Unova? No, me neither. I bet they put them in some sort of prison made of robot pokémon. Anyway, something bad. With robotic penises. Yeah.

Striaton City Gym is weird.

The whole thing looks like one of those terrible family restaurants. And all the trainers are waiters. Everyone keeps coming at me like they’re serving the pokémon as side dishes. Do you want me to EAT your fucking pokémon? Do you? Ugh.

It has three gym leaders, but you only fight one of them. They decide who you have to fight based on the best way to dick you around. Because I chose a Tepig I  got to battle some dandy assbite called Cress, who has hair made of disgusting blue worms.

Cress went on about being super awesome at water pokémon like a wanker, then sent out… a Lillipup. I set it on fire.

Then he sent out a Panpour. Panpour look like blue monkeys with giant puckered sphincters sprouting from their heads. And they are water types, so Pigface was shit out of luck. I sent in Broccoli like a champ, and he promptly fainted. Devil was no help at all, and Citizen K barked.

So Pigface was recalled, and used his “being a pig who don’t take no shit” attack. Victory! But it was a close one. Brute force told strategy to go and sit in the fucking corner. Pigface also learned Flame Charge, which I hope involves sending an army of fire towards the enemy, while playing a bugle.

And I got the Trio Badge, which makes a great impromptu shiv if I ever get in a bar fight.

002: On The Road

I think Bianca is being sexually abused. Her dad is super, super protective of her and refused to let her go on a pokémon journey. So either he’s genuinely worried (because Bianca is a fucking retard who will probably trip over a rock and die before the next town) or he’s doing the dirty. I caught up with her after the yelling and she said it was “a secret”. WHAT THE FUCK.

Maybe that’s why she dresses like a 40 year old woman. Cheren is a fucking know-it-all, I should ask him.

Juniper asked us to go get a complete record of all the pokémon in the entire region, then ran out into the grass. Mum was waiting outside and immediately gave us maps and wished us a safe journey. What the shit, mum. At least pretend you don’t desperately want me to go WALK across the continent and possibly get killed. Bitch.

Bianca decided we should have a competition to see who can catch the most pokémon before Accumula Town. Game on, swirly-hips. Then she and Cheren vanished.

I walk down the road until BAM, I’m attacked! Watch out, it’s a… cute puppy? Damn it. A Lillipup. The old lady companion pokémon. I figured I would catch it, but then Pigface ran up and headbutted the yappy thing. I heard a horrible cracking noise and it stopped yapping.


Pigface ran off and chased another stupid dog out of the bushes. Thirst for blood, maybe? This time I managed to toss out a Poké Ball before berserker rage kicked in. Meet Citizen K:

I have declared him Vice-President of Dying Quickly to Absorb Damage.