011: Sigh Beam Attack

Mr Steven learned Psybeam while beating the shit out of two little girls. So adorable. And twins are creepy anyway, with their twin Purrloins and mirrored ponytails. Waiting for the blood-filled elevator to arrive.

Psybeam shoots a concentrated beam of negative thought at the opponent, causing them to forget how much HP they had. Sometimes just by thinking about a pokémon that knows Psybeam your panties can explode. Psybeam had sex with your mother yesterday.

Cheren appeared tonight. Remember him? Know-it-all jerk wanted to battle me in the middle of the damn night. Fine, Cheren. Let’s both stand in the middle of this road at 1:00am and play with our pets. And then later we can see what the inside of a homicidal pedophile’s plastic bag collection looks like.

He’s still using Oshawott. It looks like a marshmallow that got stuck in a teacup. Mr Steven beat it single-handed, because Psybeam is a rainbow ring of motherfucking DOOM. It travelled back in time and invented itself, that’s how great it is.

Okay, so I’m a little tired. I haven’t slept since I started this trip. Did nobody notice there are basically no places to stay in any of these towns? I saw some kids sleeping under a tree.

"Why do you keep beating me?" he says. Because I’m fucking awesome, you tit.

My victory dance was cut short by some Plasma goons running by. Apparently they stole some girl’s pokémon. At least that’s what Bianca said when she came waddling up afterwards. Oh, okay. Whatever. Bye. What? I have to help? Ugh, fuck you guys.

001: My Name is Donut

Fucker was here at 6:00am.

I don’t like starting my Sundays with Cheren and his stupid glasses bursting into my bedroom. Resisted the urge to punch him in his smug face, I should get a gym badge just for that. Bianca and her birthing hips turned up four hours later.

My name is Donut, and today I am a pokémon trainer.

Professor Juniper delivered a package today with our new pokémon inside: a Snivy, an Oshawott and a Tepig. It was tempting to go with the pompous T-rex lizard or the sad, rat-like clown. But instead I went with the pig that breathes fire.

A motherfucking pig that breathes fire. It’s like I’m already giving the finger to every trainer in the world. Now meet Pigface:

Cheren tried to make out he wanted Oshawott the whole time. It looks like a stuffed toy fetus. Then Bianca suddenly throws her Snivy at me like she wants a battle right here in my fucking bedroom.

I won.

Then Cheren immediately wants to fight. With his Oshawott. OSHAWOTT. It was like attacking a baby with a nuclear bomb. When I came downstairs my mum heard about the broken furniture and punched me in the face. I felt okay when I woke up, though.