011: Sigh Beam Attack

Mr Steven learned Psybeam while beating the shit out of two little girls. So adorable. And twins are creepy anyway, with their twin Purrloins and mirrored ponytails. Waiting for the blood-filled elevator to arrive.

Psybeam shoots a concentrated beam of negative thought at the opponent, causing them to forget how much HP they had. Sometimes just by thinking about a pokémon that knows Psybeam your panties can explode. Psybeam had sex with your mother yesterday.

Cheren appeared tonight. Remember him? Know-it-all jerk wanted to battle me in the middle of the damn night. Fine, Cheren. Let’s both stand in the middle of this road at 1:00am and play with our pets. And then later we can see what the inside of a homicidal pedophile’s plastic bag collection looks like.

He’s still using Oshawott. It looks like a marshmallow that got stuck in a teacup. Mr Steven beat it single-handed, because Psybeam is a rainbow ring of motherfucking DOOM. It travelled back in time and invented itself, that’s how great it is.

Okay, so I’m a little tired. I haven’t slept since I started this trip. Did nobody notice there are basically no places to stay in any of these towns? I saw some kids sleeping under a tree.

"Why do you keep beating me?" he says. Because I’m fucking awesome, you tit.

My victory dance was cut short by some Plasma goons running by. Apparently they stole some girl’s pokémon. At least that’s what Bianca said when she came waddling up afterwards. Oh, okay. Whatever. Bye. What? I have to help? Ugh, fuck you guys.

010: Children of the Corn

I wish the nurses at the Pokémon Centres would stop saying they hope to see me again soon. Oh, I see all your pets are half-dead and screaming in agony, I hope this happens again!

Fennel gave me a C-Gear for getting her drugs. No idea what it does. It definitely isn’t a bullshit detector, otherwise it would be going off like a fucker right now.

There’s a daycare for pokémon along Route 3. I left Citizen K there because I hate him. I hope they feed him to a larger pokémon. I’ve decided to make Mr Steven my second official team member anyway, along with Pigface. Any opponent who isn’t at least a little scared by a floating pink anteater isn’t human. Put everyone but those two into the PC boxes.

People are amazed about stupid shit like how friendly pokémon are and that they can learn tricks, but not impressed at all by the fact that we can DIGITISE LIVING ANIMALS. The fuck.

Right next to the Daycare there’s a human daycare, which creeps me out for some reason. Maybe it’s because I got there are 1:00am and there were children running around inside with dead eyes. The parents must have abandoned them to go clubbing.

Poor little, creepy, neglected children dancing around at night in a roadside minding facility, participating in legal cock fights.

009: Munna Your Business

Okay, so I followed that Munna into the forest and Pigface beat it into submission. But in a nice way, not like those guys earlier. Nice beatings. For its own good. So yeah, now I have a Munna called Mr Steven:

Oh my goodness it’s so cute look at it jump around and it has little eyelashes and purple like a tiny piglet with the bouncing and the wiggling.

I mean… shut up. Fuck. Piss. Cunt. Shut up.

008: Dream Girl

If someone comes up to you in the street, says they know you and then offers you a “special gift” if you come back to their house, you should totally do it. Especially if you’re a child.

Some woman named Fennel came up to me and said she knew Juniper in college. Seems legit.

Then she tells me to go collect dream mist from a graveyard. What the fuck is wrong with these people? How did they get anything done before I came into town? Were they just STANDING there looking at their watches thinking “Jesus Christ, I hope Donut turns up soon, I haven’t eaten in five days.”?

I taught Cut to Devil and murdered the shit out of that tree from earlier. Then Bianca appeared spouting some light-headed nonsense about dreams.

Suddenly, a fucking Munna! Some sort of balloon anteater covered in pink and flowers. Team Plasma turned up and tried to beat the thing until it farted magic. Naturally I had Pigface set them and their pathetic Patrats on fire. Why don’t they just use guns, anyway? I wish I had a gun. Is there a gun pokémon?

That spooky dude, Ghetsis, reappeared. And when I say that, I mean he literally turned up in a puff of fucking smoke like a freaking ninja. The goons ran off. THEN a Musharna appeared. They look like campy, purple, elephant foetuses with the umbilical cord being vomited out of their mouths. Apparently it was the Munna’s mother, and the Ghetsis thing was a hallucination from the poison gas it emits. Trippy.

If we could bottle that stuff and sell it… holy shit, be right back.

007: Butts

A note for all you knuckle-dragging, perverted little thunder-cunts. Stop staring at my butt.

Yes, I have a nice ass. Yes, my jean shorts comfortably hug it in a noticeable way. And yes, when I throw a Poké Ball my rear end thrusts out ever so slightly as if to suggest an invitation to a very sexy and exclusive butt party.

But you are not ready for this jelly. This baby’s back is not for you. I wear shorts because I like shorts. And it’s hot. TEMPERATURE HOT. I throw my pokémon out like an enthusiastic stripper because it achieves the greatest velocity for the minimum effort - and it looks badass. And most importantly, I’m like 14 years old. Probably. Maybe. Do you know what they do to paedophiles in Unova? No, me neither. I bet they put them in some sort of prison made of robot pokémon. Anyway, something bad. With robotic penises. Yeah.

Striaton City Gym is weird.

The whole thing looks like one of those terrible family restaurants. And all the trainers are waiters. Everyone keeps coming at me like they’re serving the pokémon as side dishes. Do you want me to EAT your fucking pokémon? Do you? Ugh.

It has three gym leaders, but you only fight one of them. They decide who you have to fight based on the best way to dick you around. Because I chose a Tepig I  got to battle some dandy assbite called Cress, who has hair made of disgusting blue worms.

Cress went on about being super awesome at water pokémon like a wanker, then sent out… a Lillipup. I set it on fire.

Then he sent out a Panpour. Panpour look like blue monkeys with giant puckered sphincters sprouting from their heads. And they are water types, so Pigface was shit out of luck. I sent in Broccoli like a champ, and he promptly fainted. Devil was no help at all, and Citizen K barked.

So Pigface was recalled, and used his “being a pig who don’t take no shit” attack. Victory! But it was a close one. Brute force told strategy to go and sit in the fucking corner. Pigface also learned Flame Charge, which I hope involves sending an army of fire towards the enemy, while playing a bugle.

And I got the Trio Badge, which makes a great impromptu shiv if I ever get in a bar fight.

006: Welcome to Striaton

Arrived in Striaton City and the gym leader isn’t there.

Decided to kill some time wandering around the city and I found some weird place called the Dreamyard? Sounds shady. Looked interesting to explore, except some cunt planted a fucking TREE right in front of the entrance. Who does that? The Society for the Preservation of Balls in Your Face and Laughing at Your Pain.

Took out my frustration on some wandering trainers. And then I fought their pokémon. GET IT? IT’S LIKE I BEAT THEM UP. No, but seriously, I might have punched a girl in the back.

Someone gave me a Pansage. Seriously, just handed it over like it was a piece of gum. I have called it Broccoli:


Happy little bouncing bastard.

Back in the city I checked in at the Trainer School for Idiotic Morons and found Cheren. Then Pigface reached Level 13. The events might be connected. Time to head to the gym and kick some assbutt.

005: Theories on Death

Ran into Bianca again. She still looks like a plant. She wanted to battle, so we did that, but I always feel like I’m playing chess with a baby. A baby with enormous hips.

After she lost she walked off in the wrong fucking direction.

I keep finding items in the grass. Why are there so many? My theory is that this is all that remains of trainers who lost all their pokémon and were devoured by wild animals. Their loss is my gain. Alternatively people actually dropped things and I am a thief on a massive scale.

004: Respecting Your Elders

My mother needs to stop calling.

Jesus Christ, mum, I’m only just down the road. Why are you c- AH HOLY SHIT YOU’RE RIGHT BEHIND ME. I think shit myself. She brought me some new shoes, which is her subtle way of telling me I dress like a homeless person.

As I was walking through Route 2 a wild Purrloin appeared. No way I’m catching one of those disease-ridden, smug-faced jerks. But it was a great chance to try out Pigface’s new Ember attack. It did occur to me that setting cats on fire in the middle of a big patch of long grass could be a bad idea. But then I thought I might be able to burn a dozen of them at once.

Didn’t have time to test the theory, because some punk named Jimmy ran over and said I had to battle him. Thus began my first official TRAINER BATTLE. Jimmy’s Patrat helped Pigface to Level 9 and let him learn Odour Sleuth.

I just finish that up and some dodo named Mali runs over and starts droning about her pokémon being so super cute. Bitch, I will slap the chirp right out of you. And why are you hanging around in the forest in the middle of the night wearing a belt as a skirt? And UGH, another Purrloin. They’re like furry bacteria.

Who put these fucking ledges right across the main road? I can’t climb up any god-damn thing in these cut-off shorts. I’m worried they might slice into my thighs and I’ll bleed to death lying next to a two-foot high dirt wall.

Just as I was about to leave the route I battled another tiny person and his dog. I beat the shit out of some kid’s pet and took all his money. Like a boss. 

003: Uptown Girl

Did I fall asleep on the side of the road? Fucking narcoleptic or some shit.

Woke up with a Patrat staring at me with its creepy devil eyes. BACK OFF, DEMON. Bastard sat there mocking me, so I punched it in the face. Then I stuffed it in a Poké Ball while nobody was watching. I named him Devil:

Oh, what’s that Cheren? Bianca? You only caught one new pokémon? Well I guess you’re just balls at this. Me and my totally legit death animals are headed off to Accumula Town now.

Juniper was there to teach us that Pokémon Centers heal your pokémon. Holy shit, thanks Professor, as I had never been 100 metres down the road to see one, and I have never used the internet or read a book. I am actually a moss-covered rock. Bianca lapped it up, obviously. Dizzy woman.

At least healing pokémon is free. I hear in some places they just eat the pokémon after they faint if they can’t afford the medical bills. Delicious communism. Patrats probably taste like the inside of a vagina, though.

Just as I’m leaving some weird shit goes down. A bunch of plebs are gathered in the town plaza staring at a procession of what looks like rubber fetishists. I wanted to leave, but Cheren was like “No stay” and I was like “No” and he was like “Come on” and I was like “Fucking no” and he was like “Come ooooooooooon” and I was like “Holy christ on a cracker you whining girl of a man, okay”. A guy in a cloak - Ghetsis, he says - tells everyone they are Team Plasma and they’re here to talk about “pokémon liberation”.

Send me a pamphlet and get the fuck out of my way, hippies. Apparently putting pokémon in battles against each other until both sides are beaten to a pulp is bad now, or something?

The crowd scatters and some kid with green hair gets all up in my grill telling me he can hear my pokémon talking. Listen douche, if Pigface could talk he’d be telling you to step the fuck back. This guy, N, then sends out his Purrloin, just like that. I hate Purrloins. They look like cats doing racist impressions of Asian people and they use Growl. I fucking HATE growl. Growl is the attack equivalent of wet newspaper in your mouth.

One fucked cat. Pigface victorious! And he learned Ember, fuck yeah. Bitches are going to get set on fire. Maybe some pokémon too.